


Of Bathrooms and Booty Calls

by BetterNameToCome



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: ...i think...., Dyslexia, Jespey Fahey the flirting king, M/M, Modern AU, Panic Attack Mention, Texting, The crows are exchange students/drug dealers, The other crows are mentioned or show up, There are not enough fics for these guys, alternative universe, drug mention, in which Jesper has no filter, no crooked kingdom spoilers, normal writting stuff as well, not someone having a panic attack but panic attacks in general are mentioned, oblivious idiots, texting au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 09:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8367499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetterNameToCome/pseuds/BetterNameToCome
Summary: Jesper Fahey didn't know what he expected when he wrote his number on the bathroom wall, but it certainly wasn't his crush Wylan Van Eck to reply. Wylan doesn't know what is going on but decides he kind of likes it.





	

**_Of Bathrooms and Booty Calls_ **

**_Disclaimer: all characters belong to Leigh Bardugo._ **

_Wylan= italics_

**Jesper= Bold**

** Kaz= Bold and underlines **

 

_This number was written in the bathroom with an inappropriate message I removed it but I thought you’d want to know_

**Damn how am I going to find booty calls now?**

**Unless that’s what this is ;)**

**What are you wearing?**

_that’s not what this is!_

_And probably something similar to you considering we wear a uniform_

**Mm but what are you wearing under it ;)**

_Wait you wrote that message yourself?_

_And I am not answering that!_

**Duh I have to find entertainment somehow**

_Not capable of getting someone’s phone number the normal way?_

Wylan presses played the message back, with a small smile gracing his lips. He was actually enjoying talking to this asshole.

A new message comes through almost instantly.

 **“LOW BLOW!”** The robotic voice rings out through his headphones  **“Most of my booty calls have much more enjoyable ways of hurting me.”**

Wylan can’t help but laugh, if not at the message then at the monotone robot voice saying “booty calls.”

There was a loud “THWAK!” as something hit the outside of the bathroom door.

“Find a different stall to cry in. Some of us actual disabled people would like to use that bathroom.” A gruff voice rang out.

Wylan rushed out as fast as he could. He was pretty sure Kaz Brekker was planning on using the large bathroom to sell drugs, rather than actually use the bathroom, but Wylan had no interest in dying young so kept his mouth shut.

 

**Ayyyyy booty call**

**PAY ATTENTION TO ME**

**ALLL BY MYSELFFFFFF**

**Do you always leave the fellas hanging?**

**if ya know what I mean ;)**

_Why do I bet you’re overcompensating considering how much you like to talk about sex?_

 

Wylan’s final class was thankfully maths. Not so thankfully was the dickhead he has to sit next to.

Or at least Jesper Fahey usually acted like a dickhead. Today he hadn’t spared Wylan a second glance, yet alone his usual mocking flirting.

Wylan almost felt…. Disappointed? No. He refused. He was glad Jesper was distracted with his phone. Jesper Fahey was a dickhead who had somehow figured out that Wylan Van Eck, the friendless loser, was also a raging homosexual and loved to mock him for it.

“Mr Fahey.” Mr Haskell said to him. “What have I said about phones in class?”

Jesper’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Fones?’ Jesper asks, laying his accent on thick. “I don’t understand….”

This was something all of Jesper and his friends did. All of then, with the exception of Kaz Brekker, are exchange students. They loved to pretend to not understand a lick of English, always managing to get out of whatever trouble they were in. Well except for Matthais he just seems genuinely confused.

 But Wylan knew that they all knew English better than half of the school. Definitely better than Wylan.

Wylan’s father would have called them ungrateful freeloaders. Wylan thought It was kind of hilarious.

Okay maybe he doesn’t entirely hate Jesper Fahey.

As expected Mr Haskell gave up after five minutes of furrowed brows and thick accents.

For some reason Wylan found himself whispering. “Your accent’s not that thick.”

STUPID STUPID. You’re accent’s not that thick? What the hell does that mean? God he’s an idiot.

Jesper turned to him, a smirk playing on the edge of his lips. “Of course it is.” He practically purred in Wylan’s ear. “It’s not the only thing that’s thick.”

Wylan resisted the temptation to slam his head on the desk.

 _  
_ **Want to find out?**

**And I will take that bet! What do I get if I win? ;)**

**Nooooo don’t leave me again**

_I had class_

_And it’s expression. The only thing I’m willing to bet on is that you’re probably a gambling addict._

**YOU HAVE RETURNED TO ME!  
You would win. Want to collect your prize? ;)**

_What is that punctuation at the end of your sentences?_

**THE WINKING EMOJI!**

**Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a winking emoji before.**

_Why do I have a feeling you’re a walking winking emoji_

**A sexy winking emoji?**

_I have to study_

**NOOOO DON’T LEAVE ME AGAIN!**  


Jesper was not dramatic. Nina, Kaz, Inej, his father and everyone else who has ever called him so are obviously horrible liars.

“I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE!” Jesper declares, falling onto Nina’s bed.

“Is this supposed to be news?” Kaz asks, not even looking up from his book.

“Booty call isn’t replying!” He groans, ignoring Kaz.

“Booty call?” Nina asks Her eyes had narrowed in on him “Do explain.”  
“Please don’t.” Kaz grumbles.

“He’s a boy- I think- who texted me to tell me my number was written on the bathroom wall.” Jesper explains before dreamily declaring. “My Hero.”

“Do tell him that peroxide will clean the blood out of his cape for after he kills you.” Kaz mutters.

“Kaz. He goes to our school he’s not going to kill me!” I whine. “And when did you become such a mother hen?”  
“I go to our school and I’d happily kill you.” Kaz replies sharply.

“Jesper’s right. But I thought Wylan Van Eck was the love of your life this week.” Nina said.

“Lust.” Kaz corrects. 

“He still is. Booty Call is just a distraction until Wylan realizes his undying love for me.” Jesper declares. “Speaking of Van sunshine. He actually spoke to me earlier! Not even a reply! He spoke first!

“A sure sign of true love.” Kaz mutters.

_I see you put the number back._

**Of course. You aren’t living up to my booty call standards.**

_And the “booty call+ sexy beast” written in a heart?_

**Well I couldn’t reveal my secret identity. You would know all about that Clark Kent.**

**Honestly what king of a guy texts someone to warn someone their number is written on a bathroom stall. What kind of wannabe superhero are you?  
** _A terrible one if I’m wasting my time on you._

_If I’m Clark Kent who does that make you?_

**Lois Lane, obviously**

**And I’d be happy to give you my most heartfelt thank you for saving me ;)**

_Role play, really?_

**Would you prefer naughty school girl? I’d happily borrow a ruler.**

**Hello?  
I didn’t scare you off did I?**

_No. I had to move. Our local drug dealer needs the bathroom for completely legal activities I’m sure._

**Which one? There are quite a few of us**

**Where are you now?  
** _Wait us?_

_The janitor’s closet_

_The irony is not missed on me_

**I need money to feed my gambling from somewhere. As well as another reason.**

**Trying to tell me something, booty call?**

_Please tell me you didn’t do it to impress a girl._

**Don’t be ridiculous.**

**I did it to impress a boy.**

**Turned out to be as straight as his cane.**

_You didn’t._

_And Kaz Brekker? Really????_

**It turned into a very lucrative career.**

**I now have plenty of money to take you to the McDonalds of your choice.**

_I’m flattered._

_But I’m going to have to decline._

**Playing hard to get, booty call?**

**Idk if you’re not anwering because of class or because you’re trying to prove some kind of a point.**

**I’m gonna go with the later.**

Wylan Van Eck was trying to kill him.

He pretends to be all innocent and angelic with his strawberry blonde curls and big blue eyes but he is really a mass murderer. Jesper is sure of it.

His gravestone will read: Beloved son, dear friend, sexy beast. Tragically killed by Wylan Van Eck’s lip bite.

And there he goes again. Jesper could almost feel his heart stop.

Mr Geels had paired them together for chemistry, much to Jesper’s delight. Wylan just seemed anxious. And with anxiety apparently came lip biting.

“You’re distracting me.” Jesper declares.

His eyes widen to almost comical size. Blow job eyes, Jesper decides.

“I’m distracting you?” he scoffs.

“Yes.” Jesper pouts. “With all that lip biting. Either quit it or let me take over.”

Wylan flushes a glorious shade of maroon. Jesper wonders how far down it goes…

“Just read out the instructions.” Wylan mutters, looking anywhere but at Jesper.

Jesper began to wonder whether Booty Call is in this class. He admits that he had imagined him as Wylan, mostly just because Wylan is cute as fuck.

Jesper takes out his phone to text him.

**Hey hotstuff**

**What do you look like? It’s for science.**

Wylan glares at him. “Can you text your girlfriend another time? Some of us actually care about our grades.

“You know I only have eyes for you, babe.” Jepser smirks.

Kind of true. He had never actually seen Booty Call. Well not knowingly.

Wylan flushes again.

Jesper thinks he might have been put on this earth to make Wylan Van Eck blush.

“Just read the instructions.” Wylan commands.

“Bossy.” Jesper comments, but does as he’s told.

For what seems like the first time in Jesper’s four years of science, Chemistry is a success. Mr Geels is quick to compliment both his and Wylan’s efforts, admittedly focusing more on Wylan.

“How is your father doing? Mrs Van Houteen and the rest of the English department were very thankful for his donations.”

Wylan grits his teeth. “He’s doing well.”

“Has he made any mention of possibly donating again next year? Possibly to a different department?”

“Not that I know of.”

Mr Geels nods thoughtfully. “Ah Mr Fahey. I see you’re doing much better.”  
Jesper nods, furrowing his brow slightly. He can’t drop the charade for a second or the other teachers will start to catch on.

“You two work well together.” Geels comments, almost painfully slow. “You know Wylan, Jesper is looking for a tutor.”

Technically there had been not so much looking happening as disappointed head shaking and suggestions of doing so by teachers.

Wylan gains a look resembling a deer caught in headlights that should not be sexy, but somehow is.

“Er….”

“Good idea!” I cheer, thickening my accent. I wink at Wylan, remembering our conversation from yesterday.

He blushes again.

“So what do you say?” Mr Geels asks. “How’s your African?”

I resist the urge to point out that Africa is a continent not a country or language.

“I think we understand each other pretty well.”

“So you’ll do it?” Mr Geels asks again.

“Er yes?” Wylan reluctantly agrees.

Mr Geels leaves with a grin planted on his face.

“Fuck.” Wylan mutters under his breath.

“Fantastic idea.” I reply. He really makes it to easy.

The bell rings before he could stutter out a reply.

 

_That sounds like a thinly veiled sext._

**Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t “thinly veil” anything**

**Unless you’re into that. In which case I would look fantastic in thin white lace. Or just about anything.**

**But back to your face.**

**Or other body parts.**

_Definitely a sext._

_And why would I tell you? What happened to secret identities?  
_ **PLEASE!**

**How else am I supposed to know if you’re my type?**

_You mean tall gruff and scheming?_

_Sorry to break your heart but that’s a no._

**I would say scheming isn’t a physical attribute but it definitely is with Kaz.**

**Besides I have moved onto bigger and better things since Kaz.**

**Well smaller and blonder.**

_Sounds cute_

_Maybe I should be texting him instead of you._

**He is adorable/sexy thank you very much**

**But I am adorabler/sexier**

_I’m sure_

**Somethin tells me that’s sarcasm**

**But it’s also the closest to a compliment I’ve got out of you so I’m gonna take it**

_You go and do that._

 

“Hey study buddy.” Jesper grins, leaning against Wylan’s locker.

Wylan was distinctly not in the mood to deal with Jesper’s bullshit. His report card had arrived last night and his father had not reacted well.

 “Jesper.” I acknowledges.

“Playing hard to get, are you?” Jesper asks, somehow leaning closer.

Wylan’s mind flashes back to the similar message from Bathroom Boy. Coincidence, he decides.

Jesper Fahey is a jackass who likes to mock the poor gay boy by pretending to flirt with him. The boy he’s been texting is actually queer.

“Where do you want to study?” He asks Jesper.

“Your place? I would love to get a look at your room.” Jesper smirks.

“No.”

Jesper pouts. “My place?”

“No.”

Jesper sighs dramatically. “A café then. A nice public place where you don’t have to resist the urge to ravish me. Or at least no more so than usual.”

Wylan glares at him, probably looking more like an angry kitten than threatening. This is why he hates Jesper Fahey. He is a dickhead, plain and simple.

“So how much am I paying you for your precious time?” Jesper asks.

“I don’t want your money.” Wylan tells him.

“Right, your dad is loaded.” He remembers. “Sexual favours?”

That is meant with a glare.

“Come on, Wy! Work with me here.”

“I don’t need anyting.”

“So just the joy of my presence? I think I can handle that.”

“On the other hand I may need a bottle of vodka.” Wylan mutters.

Jesper’s eyes widen. “Trying to get me drunk? For shame.”

“Can you stop that?” Wylan snaps.

“I’m sorry that one was inappropriate. Let me rephrase.” Jesper apologizes. “Perhaps a bottle of fine wine instead. Over dinner perhaps.” Jesper winks.

“I don’t have the patience for this today.” He mutters.

“For what?” Jesper mutters, his usual smirk having disappeared completely. Wylan feels guilty before reminding himself who this is.

“For all that!” Wylan waves his hand in Jesper’s direction. “The innuendos and the flirting. Just cut it out!”

Jesper seems to visibly delate. “Fine. I can take a hint.”

“Clearly.” Wylan mutters. Guilty washing over him.

“You know what. Maybe we should do this another day. I forgot that I had a thing.” Jesper tells him.

Wylan nods, not quite able to look at Jesper as he walks away.

 

_How do you know when you’re the dickhead?_

**Dickheadedness is rarely an adjective but a verb I’ve learnt. It all depends on how your action affects others. It’s when you don’t giving a fuck on how it effects them then you are truly a dickhead.**

_When did you get philosophical?_

**Heartbreak does that to a man.**

**And I asked my friend. She is very wise.**

_What did small blonde and sexy do?_

**I’m pretty sure he’s actually small blonde and straight.**

**And a dickhead.**

**Maybe I do have a type. Straight dickheads.**

_Don’t worry, Bathroom boy. I’ll protect you from the straights._

**What about you?**

_I snapped at someone I thought was a straight dickhead but now I think I might be the one being a straight dickhead._

_Well not the straight part_

_God forbid._

**Thank God. I don’t think I could handle you turning out to be straight as well.**

_You really are heartbroken. We’ve said dickhead like 20 times now and you haven’t made a single innuendo._

**I’m all innuendoed out. I may never flirt again.**

_Sure and I’ll be a best-selling author.  
_ **Nah that’s actually possible. You’re all nerdy and shit.**

**If you do name a character in my honour.**

_Sorry to break it to you but there will never be a bathroom boy and the chamber of secrets._

_Not being able to read or write kind of shoots that horse in the mouth._

**_How are you texting then?_ **

**_It’s up to me then. But books suck so I’ll write a song. BOOTY CALL! MY SEXY BOY HE NEVER MEANT TO HURT ME BUT HE NEVER EVEN CALLED!_ **

_My phone records all my messages and converts them into texts and a robot voice reads out your messages._

_You need a flutist?_

**I am so distracted my the idea of Siri calling you Booty Call and serenading you that I can’t focus long enough to make a pun about you blowing my flute**

_Yet you managed it anyway. Congratulations_

_On that and the beginning of your recovery from heartbreak and back to your regular scheduled innuendos._

**I don’t know. I think you might need to give me CPR to be sure.**

_Definitely feeling better._

**And you’re not a dickhead. Generally worrying about being a dickhead is sure sign you’re not one.**

_Maybe. If not, does CPR fix dickheadedness too?  
_ **Of course but not on the mouth.**

_If it’s the only way_

“Where’s Jesper?” Wylan asks, feeling completely out of his depth. Everything about Jesper makes him feel out of his depth, especially apologizing.

 Kaz raises his head from his book, levelling Wylan with a glare. Though it could just be his resting expression. Wylan can ever tell with Kaz.

A surge of jealousy runs through him, remembering Bathroom Boy. What does he see in Kaz?

“Depends. If he cheated on you or got you pregnant” Kaz’s eyes trail over him “then he returned to Novyi Zem. Otherwise he’s probably on the roof with Inej.”

 “Thanks…”

Wylan doesn’t know whether to be comforted by the idea of Inej being there. Oh one hand if it goes wrong he can just ask her to stab him. Or push him off the roof, whatever’s easier. Oh the other hand Inej is scary as fuck.

“You can go now.” Kaz tells him, his gaze returning to his book.

Wylan leaves as fast as he can without literally running screaming from Kaz. Though something tells him that would not be an entirely unprecedented thing to do.

The roof is secluded and easily accessed. Logically it should be a fought over place to hang out, but it ended up being dibsed by the local drug dealing exchange students who with even more logic everyone is too terrified of to challenge.

“I’m in love I tell you!” Jesper’s voice declares.

“Yesterday I thought you were heartbroken?” Inej asks.

Wylan could almost hear Jesper’s pout. “I still am! Which a true friend would not bring up!”

Inej hums non-committedly. “But now you’re in love with this…”

“Booty call.” Jesper answers dreamily.

Wylan doesn’t think he can breathe. He might actually need CPR.

“Being in love with a…. don’t make me say it, seems almost oxymoronic.”

“He’s not a booty call. His name is Booty Call.” Jesper explains.

“If you’re in love with him shouldn’t you ask his name?” Inej asks.

“True love is above such things as names. Besides I think he’s shy. He’s really starting to get comfortable with me. I don’t want to ruin that. He’s telling me stuff! and flirting! Certainly more than Wylan ever did.” Jesper sighs.

Wylan was still too busy trying to process that Jesper is Bathroom Boy to even begin to tackle that he’s apparently “the Straight Dickhead.”

Wylan felt like an idiot. And a dickhead. Jesper had liked him, actually been flirting with him and he had been ignoring and taking his shit out on him. Bathroom Boy was wrong, he really was a dickhead. But Bathroom Boy is Jesper and Bathroom Boy is apparently in love with him.

“Putting your head between your knees helps if you’re having a panic attack.” Inej’s voice calls over to him. “And counting back from 100.”

Jesper looks away from the edge to finally notice him. “INEJ! You knew he was here?”  
“Of course I did.”

Wylan runs for it.

  
**With the whole robot reading thing would you prefer if we called?**

**It might blow the whole secret identity thing but my voice is definitely sexier than Siri’s**

**Or we could text. That’s fine too.**

**Okay it’s been hours now I’m getting concerned.**

**How about morse code?**

**HELLO BOOTY CALL**

**Yeah I’m definitely worried now**

**Come on hotstuff I had a really awkward encounter with small blonde and straight. I need a distraction**

**If ya know what I mean ;)**

**It has been brought to my attention that your phone could be flat**

**Nevermind that’s bullshit. You’re probably really careful it’s always charged with the whole reading to you thing**

**Is that rude? I’m sorry if I offended you**

_You didn’t do anything wrong._

**HE LIVES**

**I guess if you need your space that’s cool**

**Cool…**

**Cool cool**

**Coolio**

**I’m gonna shut up now**

Wylan tried the knee thing and the number thing, but nothing helped. That was probably because he’s not having a panic attack just _panicking,_ but Wylan didn’t know what else to do.

Now that he knows that Jesper is in fact not a dickhead he can finally admit to himself that he might possibly maybe be sort of madly in love with him.

Wylan doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do about this. He knows Jesper by some miracle likes him back, but that just seems to make everything _worse_. Why can’t things happen gradually? Wylan thinks he might be ready to have a _crush_ on Jesper. From a very far distance, but actually dating Jesper? The idea makes him think he might start having a panic attack.

Wylan doesn’t even have actual friends. The only real people in his life are in his father- Alise and Bathroom Boy. This feels like going to take a step and falling off a cliff.

Wylan’s not a virgin. He slept with his tutor Jacques as well as sons of his father’s co-workers that are just as happy to keep it a secret as he is, but they always initiated everything. Jesper has no idea he’s Booty Call and thinks Wylan is just another straight dickhead who was disgusted by the idea of a boy flirting with him. It’s all up to Wylan- which to put things lightly is terrifying.

Wylan briefly considers telling Jesper everything over text, but that just seems cold.

Wylan doesn’t know what to do.

 

_I want to meet._

**Holy fuck are you serious?**

**I thought you were dead or something**

**Okay**

**Name the time and place**

**Should I bring anything? Candles? Condoms?  
Sorry that was inappropriate**

**I’ll keep it PG**

  _The Bathroom. Five minutes._

**It has symmetry. I like it.**

Jesper thinks he might be having a panic attack. What was it Inej said to Wylan earlier? Put your legs around your head? No that can’t be right.

Besides now is not the time to think about Wylan. Even if he has been avoiding Jesper since this morning and wasn’t in Maths…. Definitely not the time to think about him.

Jesper wonders to himself why Booty Call suddenly wants to meet. Maybe he’d be thinking about it for a while. Honestly Jesper doesn’t particularly give a fuck.

Jesper goes to knock on the Bathroom stall, pushing it open instead.

There In the corner stood Wylan Van Eck looking once again like a deer caught in headlights.

“Oh shit. I thought someone else would be here. I’m sorry.” Jesper stutters.

“No er-“

“I should go.” Jesper says, beginning to turn away, but Wylan seemed rushes over and grabs his wrist.

“No I meant- I’m Booty Call. God, that sounds terrible. Couldn’t you have chosen a better name?” Wylan stutters.

Jesper’s entire world seems to have turned on it’s axis. “Wait you-Wylan- Booty Call- the fuck?”

Wylan nods, closing his eyes as though expecting to be punched.

“Wait- so you’re gay? Or bi, we never really covered that.” Jesper asks.

A small smirk tugs on Wylan’s lips. “Gay as a rainbow.”

“Well fuck.”

“Yep.” Wylan agrees. “Well fuck.”

Jesper manages to get his head around the situation enough to grin. He grabs Wylan by the waist and begins spinning him around. “This is fantastic!”

He puts Wylan back onto the ground, slightly embarrassed. Wylan as usual is blushing bright red and looking as though Jesper had just told him he has magic powers.

“So you don’t think I’m a dickhead?” he asks.

“Defintely not, but If you’re not homophobic why did you react so badly to me flirting with you?”  
“Because I thought you were homophobic and mocking me!” Wylan defends.

“I’m bi as fuck.” Jesper snorts. “I literally have a shirt saying “the only straight I am is a straight up bitch. I’m not subtle.”

Wylan bites his lip, clearly embarrassed.

Jesper finds himself wishing once again that he could bite that lip. He wonders how Wylan would react if he kissed him right now. With a jolt of excitement he realizes that he would probably kiss him back.

He is almost disappointed when he doesn’t get to find out. Because Wylan kisses him first.

Kissing Wylan Van Eck is definitely not a disappointment. It’s a bit messy, but good messy and neither of them seem to give a shit. Wylan’s hands are in his hair and Jesper’s not entirely sure where his are, maybe his hips because his thumb is under his shirt, tracing his smooth skin. He bites down on Wylan’s lip and Jesper is so fucking happy.

 

**Bathroom 5 minutes, Booty call**

_I hate you_

**Love you too**

** Jesper find a new place to fuck your boyfriend. I have clients to meet in there.  **

** Fucking hell.  **

**;)**


End file.
